Time-Out

These past two weeks have been the most grueling, depressing, and frustrating weeks I’ve had in my entire life. It had a good start—I made my second sale. I thought it ends at that. I was so wrong!

I’m too tired to explain why. Too exhausted to narrate what happened. Moreso, I don’t want to remember this incident ever again. I don’t want to remember that I have a bitch for a cousin! It destroys my good impression I have about my family and our blood. I never knew she existed anyway until last October. Perhaps I can make myself go back in time and forget I ever met her.

Oh well. No point being angry. I don’t have any energy left to be so. Besides, I’ve realized a lot from my experience. I made a list so that every time something like this happens again, I can just re-read this entry and know that I’ll overcome whatever hardship comes my way.

• My parents love me. I knew this in my mind before, but I never truly felt it until now. I’ve realized how much they love me now that it makes me feel guilty on how I never felt it before. I’ve seen last night how much they cared. I’ve witnessed how willing they were to fight for me, to protect me. I’ve heard the pain, concern, and anger in their voices when they saw me in tears—shattered, helpless, unprotected. I know how much they love me now. And I learn to love them more because of that.

• I’m lucky to have found good friends once again. At first, I wasn’t sure if I could trust and depend on my officemates. I felt it was too soon for me to do that. But because of everything that occurred, they erased all my doubts. Being a newbie in this field, they’ve guided me well. They’ve shared to me their experiences so that I may learn. They’ve listened to my whining and complaints without rolling their eyes. They’ve shown me compassion when they saw me down and confused. They’ve given me advices and offered a lending hand. And despite all the shortcomings of our group, I won’t want to be with any other group.

• There are many people who love me and would fight for me the way I can’t fight for myself. Yes, I have a bitch for a cousin, but I have more cousins who are not like that. There are still those who would kill for me—even if they don’t look like it. And I’m glad to have realized that.

• I’m not as mataray and as war-freak as I thought I was. I can’t even fight for myself. I’ve been insulted, shouted at, demoralized by my very own cousin and what did I do? Nothing. I didn’t even get to defend myself. I just took everything in, locked myself in our room, stared at myself in the mirror, and cried.

Certainly, I am still a little bit shaken with all that has happened. It was just too fast for me to absorb. I’m too traumatized and tired right now. After I finish everything I have to do, I’ll file for a leave. I need some time-out. I’ve lost so much sleep. I haven’t eaten much lately. I’ve been sick already. And my head aches almost everyday.

Right now, I know that I need to rest. Not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I need to find myself again. Perhaps rebuild my self-confidence, too. Maybe in a week or two, I’ll forget about this.

Hopefully…

I’ll just rest now. After these past two weeks, I think I deserve that.